Saturday night Time: 10:45 The Scene: Connery's Bar & Grill
Now Apperaing: Dan P. playing his hit song "Whered the Diego?"
Outside in the coldest of night, stood Janice Brown peddling her all-time famous tacos. In the back room the long-loved miracle worker Judy Dix is trying to help Carl Delehanty, long lost mathematician, work it out. All of a sudden the noise stops and chief flunkie Bruce Davis jumps up. Listen! Did you hear that Cathy Green married an oral deaf teacher and replied, "Huh?" Star of the show, Billy Lee Whitehead, stops his exotic dancing and rushes into the street. There, lying in the street smoldering is tire ridden Terry Qualls.
Check time: 11:15. Quickly, Dave Baily, town drunk screams, "Get a doctor!"
Check time: 11:15. Doctor Mike O'Brien promptly arrives. Finally Kenny Routsong, chief of police, pulls up, dragging his brief case and chauffeur, Mike Williams. As Chief Routsong inquires as to if there were any witnesses, Steve Hartly stopped doing nothing to report he had observed the whole incident. AS he slipped into the street from Ron Riddle's 24-hour barber shop, he saw an unidentified suspect push Qualls in front of John Hinch's driver trainning car. The suspect fled, so did his car. Reported Eva Brown got the complete report for the Ladies' Gossip Circle Mad magazine. Time 1:25. The ambulance pulls up -- Jim Giblin, driver, stops the van and Qualls is removed. Middy Miller, comedian and dancer for the Mid-Mid-night hour show asks all patrons to return to "Connerys" for her last stand. As the crowd "recedes", Michaele Meuser returns home to finish her No. 1 best-seller of the year, Rated X. But all is not quiet. A shriek of pain fills the air and Tracy Marshall has just been overcome by a strand of spaghetti caught around her tongue. Rushing to her rescue is Rick Jones, a family dentist of Bill Daugherty, pie man of Mehaffies. The night's settled, but the radio blasts the news of the hour. All-night disc-jockey Berta Harshman bellows a review of the Terry Qualls incident, but can it be? Yes, Dave Spicer just won $25.00 for the news tip of the week.
Check time: 1:00 pm. Sunday, the hospital (Dayton State or Rick Stansel Memorial?)
Qualls lays in a coma as nurse Pat Repine frantically applies mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Head nurse Jo Kinnear is wheeled in, bringing news that Dr. Bill Hudson's being flown in for surgery by pilot Jeff Carroll and his complaining Co-pilot Jerry Steiner, of the champagne flight. However, as can be expected, the flight didn't arrive, therefore, Ohio governor Albert Tope has issued orders for a search party, to be headed by private detective Keith Wheelock, to search for airline stewardesses kathy Dano, Debra Hatton, Carol Artcamp and passengers Beth Strader, Liz Snyder and Terri Poorman, who are on a fashion tour. Also on board is Gwen Brewer, rich divorcee, honeymooning with her fifth husband, world's greatest guitarist Ira Stanley. The flight also includes Mindy Himebaugh, rat exterminator! Jogging in place next to her is Sandy Ray, famous track star with her secretary, Dianne Reeder.
Monday morning: 11:00 A.M.
The investigation begins. Routsong leaves his office with Journalist Jerry Brown. Chief Routsong heads for Xenia, the location of the 1990 World's Fair, to discuss the calamity of Terry Qualls with John Hinch, who is conducting a hot-rod demonistration there. Upon reaching Xenia, they first spoke with famous champion race car driver Vicki Headrick. Head claims that John was last seen with Cindy Fritzgerald, circus fat-lady, enjoying a four-coourse dinner. Upon questioning Cindy, Chief Routsong and Jerry Brown find that John has fled to Chicago, chased by gangleader Gary Kepler and his top gunmen Tom Vernier and Jim Hurr. Could it be our honorable Governor, Al Tope, is associated with these horrid gang busters?!
Chicago: Wednesday Afternoon: 2:00 P.M.
Upon arriving in Chicago, in their police department's personnell train ran by B&O prosident Ric Miller, Routsong and Brown are met by Mayor Andy O'Brien (who follows in the footsteps of his idol, ex-Mayor Daley) and southside Chicago political boss Pat Schaffer. First stop is Hinch's most probable hangout: the International Playboy Club, owned and operated jointly by ineternational playboys John Knorr and Bob Bishop. Their chauffeur-driven car is driven by track start and moonlighting chauffeur, Tom Cope. He wheels up to the club and is greeted by playboy's head busboy, Ernie Vitalliani. Upon entering, Routsong is greeted by his old "bud" Kenny Culter, multi-millionaire, and his seventh wife, Cheryl Raichle. Kenny stated Hinch was seen leaving abouot noon when he heard of Kepler's arrival. Alan Daum, football coach of the Green Bay Packers, scurried over to Routsong and stated he overheard Hinch make a long distance phone call to Bolivia to contact his sidekicks, Joe Strasheim and Kenny Lovins, alias Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. But they couldn't be reached due to a minor ('hold up'). Daum spoke no more due to gun shot that shook the room. The frightened patrons scrambled. Phil Andrews scurried under a near-by table as Roger Hummel rushed to the side of bunny Joyce Trimbach for protection. Kepler is hauled off by policemen Harry Brown and Jeff Plummer. As the club was cleared, Hinch was found hiding behind a rubber plant and was hauled in also. Looking around, we find Bob Bishop enjoying a quiet evening on the floor with a slug between his eyes. Meanwhile, Dr. Sharon Kaufman pronounces Bishop dead. He is then taken to Patti Kraus's funeral home.
Friday afternoon: 2:15
Bishop's funeral begins. Important world-wide celebrities come to pay their last respects. Gary Smith, host of the "Tonight Show", Darron Lilly, world chess champion, Karen Rigrish, the famous old maid lady wrestler. were there. Along with these guests were other mourners such as Brenda Yocum, Queen of Mars, Harry Howell, rich movie projectionist, and of course, Bob's faithful Tahitian grass cutter, Bob Caseldine, with his old fraternity mother, Ellen Sharp. Refreshments were catered by Phil Wenclewicz' Polish Sausage Catering Service. Beverages were delivered by Charles Tucker, beer trucker. Carrying a case in each arm and one on her head, was big, burly Jeanie Weisman. Connie Thompson took her kindergarten class on a field trip to the funeral. While waiting for Rabbi Rob Haney to deliver Bob's eulogy, more mourners arrived. Debbie White, famous hippie, was accompanied by fast-talking Harold Clay. Professional slob, Chris Parker jumped off the handlebars of financial wizzard Mark Laughlin's tricycle. Laugh-In later explaining to auto mechanic Doug Hiller, that his tricycle saves him on gas. Arriving with Rabbi Haney were marriage counselors Amy Cooper and Dave Migill, who had been delayed by a domestic quarrel between Bob's favorite aunt and uncle, Pat Schroeder and Tim Cukovecki. Diane Smith, searching for a place to deposit her gum, slugs her gum in Bishop's head and laughs. Bishop leaps from the casket miracuously curred by Smitty's gum. Because of the festivities, Bishop leaves unnoticed with No 1 Bunny Diana Barnard. As he walks out the door, in stumbles drunken Mike Moore, who was celebrating his release from jail. Bishop questions Moore's joyous behavior and asks, "Don't you realize what occasion this is?" Mike then sees the candles surrounding the casket, proceeds to blow out the candles and begins to sing the first verse of "Happy Birthday."
Saturday morning: 11:00 A.M.
The scene takes place in a small town court under the chief custodian Rodney Pearman. Presiding judge, the honorable Jack Zingg calls the court to order as bailiff Paul Kritzer calls number one defending lawyer Tom Krause's first witness, Larry Focht. He claims that he was hatching eagle eggs at the time. Second witness, Rick Stansel, claims he was at home beating his wife, Peggy Lumpkin. As the witnesses came and went, court clerks Christy Carlson, Connie Rosell and Rhonda Woerl, and stenographer Kathy Murrey were all busy writing down the information. The jurors, Sue Hall, Chris Hoertl, Diana Oney, Gary Henderson. Jim Higgins, Gerry Hertzog, Jim Hager, Don Caughey, Chris Boern, Pam Keller, Jill Lyon, Gail Kepler and Debbie Baker sat astonished by the witness's testimony. The next witness called was John Hinch, who claimed he mistook Qualls for a speed bump. The jury was about to recess when in busted Darcus Green, who knocked down two doors in the process of entering and screamed "Stop this miscarriage of justice! I know the whole stroy. I was fixing Sharon Niebel's hain in RonRiddles's 24-hour barber shop and I happened to gaze out the window and see Tom Biel and Chuck Jacobs push Qualls into the street as to save him from his wife, Barb Shultheis, who was racing down the street with her faithful rolling pin.
Sunday: 12:00 Noon.
Qualls leaves hospital in good form and with a fine feeling knowing his divorce is final tomorrow.
to be continued.........in a later life - author unkown - not sure who would want to claim it anyway.
